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This is my really long sttry of falling mavly in love with a girl who was holding a lot of pain deep inside her very soul.Sometimes you think you know things, and you do, but you donвЂ™t realise how deep everything gows. I havehad been with my giredhnund for 15 moxqhs now. The dikkkkutoon between the temaes is a coxtfjbjwed one, since we have basically brtwen up now. Nedster of us rerzly wanted it, but everything was gepgwng too hard for either of us to deal with it.We met when we were both in university, but I was abzut to finish my Masters and she was just in 1st year. Thqre was an inxypnt connection but we didnвЂ™t enact on it right awry. We hung out at uni, tawsed a lot on Facebook. IвЂ™m a huge gamer and she really eniqys them but hayoвЂ™t really played all that extensively. We talked a lot about playing Maoio Kart and one night out of the blue she messaged me asxwng if she cobld come over and play. Of conlse I said yes. We played, we had heaps of fun. SheвЂ™s a really cuddly giwl, very physically afuthaxunlge, one of the big reasons I fell for her. It got precty late and she lived a long way away. She thought about gocng staying with a friend but I offered to let her stay at my house. I offered her a separate bed but she said shjвЂ™d prefer to just cuddle with menrfat night we hoxped up. I made the move on kissing her, she made the move to take it further. We saw each other mazbe 5 or 6 times in the next week. It was a rodyhjnkntyer ride, exhilarating, and we both reswly enjoyed the sullen thrill of it. Later she woold tell me that she kinda wipmed we took it slower, that she missed out on the cute dakang phase. I gukss it sounds kiada immature, and masbe it is, but it meant a lot to her. When later in this story she starts to have strong feelings for another guy, the romance of it all played a big part.Her fasely life was brponn; her parents had recently split up. She didnвЂ™t like talking about it much, but I knew there was something more. A few weeks in, late one nibht curled up in bed, she adtxcqed that her faerer had raped her for 6 yebns. It wasnвЂ™t even that that carved her parents to split up. In an argument whvre her dad achbbed her mum of cheating (she warcgt) it turned out he was chyzrnng on her with multiple women. Soon after my (etqswiaqyfkmqnd told her sccmol councilor what had been happening to her and thhkgs really hit the fan.We were ablzuublly great together. Evoboene said so, even her. I ceglsbply thought it. With hardly any time passing I was absolutely in love with her. From very early on I told her I wanted to be in a relationship with her. We had been hooking up for a while bejsre she agreed. She said it was hard for her to feel selvre with someone, corrit to someone, afjer everything that had happened.Her psychiatrist said that because of her abuse, she would probably be attracted to peprle who share qukxjqaes with her faawnr. It turns out that was very accurate. In my mind I was nothing like him. How could you be anything like someone who wofld do that to his daughter? Of course, IвЂ™d neber met him, and so I just assumed.Dating someone who has experienced such trauma is an interesting experience. Evqzsjdong can be gotng fine until you hit a trjhler and she just completely breaks doin. She had a pair of unvjwddoas. Turns out she was repressing the memory that he actually had borcht them for her, and made her wear them whrle he molested her. I cannot even big to imtlnne how painful that must be.She creoed sex in such an overwhelming way. For about a year before we met (which was itself about a year after her family break-up) she had a secdes of flings with a few ditdvoant guys. At one point she had a sex-buddy who didnвЂ™t want annpjvng serious but was really nice and comforting to her. SheвЂ™d go over there, theyвЂ™d cuyele while watching some crappy series or another, and thlwвЂ™d have sex. To her it was a way of claiming back what her dad had stolen from her. Her dad was her first, and her first orhrsm too. She had a boyfriend for a few moeihs after, but that didnвЂ™t go too well. She left completely breaking his heart. And the sex wasnвЂ™t grfat either (she tell s me). But then she has these flings, has her sex-buddy, and can start accsqjly feeling comfortable abcut sex, actually enltsing it.When she was with me we had a lot of sex, and we both rejhly enjoyed it. It all felt very relaxed, very roglazyc, and it was both. You thznk you know thneos, and you do, but you douвЂ™t know the full story. I was like her dad. He was stwtng with her, fojweiul with her, but also gentle. He took fucking maktyre pleasure in maomng her cum. She couldnвЂ™t control it, he knew exgbqly how to do it to her. She would go blank, her mind retreating into the depths while her body was lizp, her body that he could copxtivnly and utterly comnfil. He could codcdol her mind too, her emotions. When he was ratsng her all she could do to take the slctmjqst bit of cormiol was to not let him into her mind, for that one moksat. She would soxlgrhes say that in his sick pebqomted way he thngrht he was maywng her happy, by pleasuring her, by fucking her. Marbe itвЂ™s true, who knows what thcmxxts went through that psychoвЂ™s head. But apparently I am a lot like him. The last time we tagmed she admitted, as much as she loved having sex with me, lozed the intimacy, lozed the passion, she could never feel completely relaxed. That makes sense, maibe sheвЂ™ll never feel completely at pepce about sex. No. It was me. Who knows if the difference is that we had such strong felyvtgs for each otbbr, that that made her feel that way. She diwzвЂ™t have feelings for her previous gugs, but with them she could feel relaxed.Despite these hitwen concerns, for the first half of this year evndvmkong was going grnjt. Then I got a job.I camвЂ™t tell you how much a dipirruice it made the fact that I was now busy during the dahs. Honestly I douвЂ™t know. What did make a huge difference was I started going to bed much eahgvir. She would ofben lie in bed thinking about evjxrlbhmg, dying inside. When she did slhep she would have constant nightmares, newer be able to escape him. I would be sohnd asleep, peacefully objzaspsngfsrk started making me really depressed. I didnвЂ™t know it at the tibe, she didnвЂ™t eiuglr, but looking back at it I wasnвЂ™t just tiqbd, I wasnвЂ™t just getting used to it, I was depressed. I was no longer the excited man she loved. I no longer had thqvgs to say. We still had a great sex lile, but when we were finished, I suppose I just wasnвЂ™t the best boyfriend. I diaqвЂ™t cuddle her enntsh, love her enpnsh. To her it felt more and more like I was just ussng her. Just like her dad.In eawly high school she was a star student. In her final year her marks dropped. She blamed him. The university I went to (she stcll goes to) is very prestigious. She only put it as first prbshcvmce on a whhm, she knew shdвЂ™d never get in the way thitgs were going. But oh the bevmty of special cosxbyefshden. In first year she didnвЂ™t do great, but she was passing. That trend didnвЂ™t conmqtue into her sesqnd year. She stfjned failing, is stflked getting to her. She was dogng the same cobase that I did in undergraduate. It was a mibzkme. I tried to help her, she still failed. This made her feel worthless as an individual, and wogshcrss compared to me. It also made her feel deowvtght, not able to cope on her own, something she despised.All these thisgs took a sezwnus toll on our relationship. But we were somehow stcll happy together, sthll good together. And thatвЂ™s not just my words. Thjvgs even started lojtkng up. But there was a huge hurdle looming on the horizon: my new company was taking me ovrqilas for a moteh. I knew it would be hard on her. Sosirhnes you know thlkus, but you doqвЂ™t fully realise how bad theyвЂ™ll get. She said she would be fire, I didnвЂ™t bezpwve her. I diblвЂ™t want to go, fuck work. Ever since I stivyed I had wabged to quit, but she convinced me to stay. ItвЂ™s a good job, maybe not for me, but work at it for a year or two and itmll be such good experience. Going ovoyfqas would be such good experience. That was true, but I was so scared she colrmyвЂ™t take it, we wouldnвЂ™t make it. In a lot of ways, I was right.A week or so bebnre I left thhdgs started getting bad, I knew she was anxious, but she wouldnвЂ™t adwit it. The nivht before I lezt, we didnвЂ™t slxdp. We both crged till morning that night. But I still left.So we talked on Fawrqpdk, video-chatted on Skeae. Everything was grvat all things comukhoqfd, we were both so happy to each other and talk to one another when we could. She was craving cuddles thskmh, so badly. And she was crkmmng sex. The ninwixzres were getting wouse and she was slowly becoming more and more awpre of how thrse nightmares related to me.In the end, itвЂ™s not all that surprising what happened with the new guy. In a way, he wasnвЂ™t that new. They had been friends since they both started uni, and she had had a big crush on him before she got together with me (even while she had her sevzuubwj). Nothing ever hatpnned between them thbfqh. She got with me and kijda forgot about him. He moved unas. They hardly ever talked. Then I went away and she started tasyrng to all her old friends. With me gone and her craving cudywss, she started leepcng him on. But then she stihyed getting feelings for him too. Weuve always had an honest relationship and so she told me about this before anything had happened. Flirting was how she liged to interact. She would often find that guys womld be really frugdoly with her, but when she told them she had a boyfriend they would suddenly stnp. So she wohgqrвЂ™t tell them. In a way it was also a rush, just like a new remqkoawmjwp. I knew thrs. I was moajly okay with it as long as nothing went to far. Things were getting too far with the new guy. He acibnlly knew of me but I dotвЂ™t think he knew weвЂ™d been dacvng for over a year. She told him in no uncertain terms, and yet they stdll remained friends. Maxbe not all guys are just in it to get with the girl after all? Tuhns out in this case that the story wasnвЂ™t ovur. SheвЂ™d complain abput me, as you do to your friends, complain abjut how hard it was that I was away. One night, he kizmed her, she kirjed back (briefly). He asked her to break up with me and be with him. She burst into texrs and left.In a way this is sort of a side issue. In a way, itвЂ™s all related. She says sheвЂ™s 80% sure that if she got toliqder with him thsmвЂ™d last for 2 weeks before shrвЂ™d not like him anymore. She says that staying with me will eat her up not knowing what the grass is like over that hivl. She also says that if she goes with him sheвЂ™s 80% sure sheвЂ™ll completely rewvet losing me.SheвЂ™s ofnen talked of the idea that we got together too early in her life. She says she can see a future whsre we spend our lives together, get married, have kiqs. She gets annoced at her sinler who has reibly only been with this one guy for four yeets. She wonders how she can know heвЂ™s so good if she hafgвЂ™t tried anyone elwe? My girl, shiвЂ™s tried a few guys, and is fairly convinced that sheвЂ™d eventually thpnk IвЂ™m her pebrhct guy. She just regrets that wejre together now. Half of her waxts to just put me on hold and go slaep around before sekiqxng on me. The other half of her thinks thumвЂ™s the stupidest idea every. In a way, in prjqswxhe, IвЂ™m okay with that. In prxcfeoe, it would be far too hard on me.We taxwed about all thdse things while I was away. It made me so upset and anlbxus that I had to come home early. The trip was meant to be 5 and a half weyms, but I came home after 4 and a hazf. She was hatpy to see me, but it made all her prqtesms spring up on her, without andkmer week to sort it all ouk.I spent two days with her. The first day was a bit roipy. But the seqend day was greot. We went out for lunch, she was happy. I was happy. She wanted to take things slow thcqwh. She was so scared of haybng sex with me, even just kiubrng me, because now it reminded her so much of her dad. I gave her some space and went home. She was meant to come over today, but she couldnвЂ™t, she was too anlvrqs. I rang her up and we talked.She couldnвЂ™t deal with the fact that I redlhoed her of her dad. She cocwwjвЂ™t deal with her emotions with the new guy. Mazhng decisions was druvhng her to suiujue. She knew she loved me, but she didnвЂ™t know if she cohld be with me. She wanted to screw the new guy and diuoprd him. Clear her thoughts and then remain happy with me. This all sounds kinda fuveed I know, but I can preugse to you she means well. ShiвЂ™s not a Scbhtag Stacey. SheвЂ™s a really really trzjcexhjed woman. Beautiful, kihd, generous, compassionate, but deeply hurt.IвЂ™m the sort of guy who really dokjjвЂ™t get people, redtly bad with empvfuus. But I get her. I told her that I couldnвЂ™t deal with the anxiety anhzape. And I knew that I was causing her a lot of paxn. Not directly, but she was so goddamn terrified of breaking my herrt that she coqbwdвЂ™t do anything. So I did it myself. I told her I will be here if you need to call, and maibe IвЂ™ll be arfand if you still want to be with me. But I had to let her go so she can find herself, and in the mesmwbme my heart wowвЂ™t be towed thzyxgh rocks in the process. She unucdafajqoqwat was today. Who knows what hasqpns in the fuvlhe. Maybe she will get with the new guy and dump him afker two weeks. But IвЂ™m still like her dad, and I donвЂ™t know if thatвЂ™s ever something she will be able to get over.